The First Cut Is the Deepest
by Eirys
Summary: AUish; Chapter 1: Castiel's feelings after the break-up with Dean; Chapter 2: Dean's not doing so well either... Now with Chapter 5. The storyline takes a turn... Rating just got up for language and well, content, nothing too bad, yet!
1. Chapter 1

THE FIRST CUT IS THE DEEPEST

Castiel, former angel of the Lord, was human. No wings, no piercing blue eyes, no zapping in and out, no "angel mojo" as Dean would have said. Oh, no, Dean wasn't dead. It was worse. Castiel had had him and now he didn't. Losing a guy for a girl was horrible. Castiel knew it would happen. And it did. Now Castiel was alone. As Hunters usually were. He helped Sam every now and then. The younger Winchester never told his brother.

The time Castiel was _with_ Dean had been really short. But now he knew how it felt to be loved and to love back.

Castiel learnt how to appreciate music. _His_ music. Castiel loved how Dean hummed and drummed his fingers with the rhythm in_ Impala_. After the break-up, every time Castiel heard Metallica, Led Zeppelin or any favorite band of Dean on the radio, he had to shut it down. Castiel found the power of healing in music. He found the songs of Cat Stevens. The songwriter's lyrics seemed to sooth Castiel.

The former angel learnt to cry. He felt everything so strongly after the fall. Everything was new. He wanted to experience things. Dean let him. He helped, explained and demonstrated the wonders of Earth. Dean was his guide to the human world. Dean had a vast knowledge in American popular culture, colloquial vocabulary in the American English.

How can one live when everything reminded of _him_? "This is too fucked up," Dean had said. "I can't deal with this."

_All good things come to an end_ was a lesson to learn. Like the Fall wasn't enough. When Dean told Castiel he had to leave, they had to _break up_ Castiel's whole world fell apart. It felt like dying. Something died inside the ex-angel. It may have been Hope. Or his Faith. But Love didn't die.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: _As requested - the story continues. This falls into the category "be careful what you wish for". As you might have recognised the chapter title is also one of Cat Stevens' songs._

**But I Might Die Tonight**

Dean Winchester was a Hunter. He had always been one. No matter how bad he messed with his life, some things were permanent part of his life - he always had some demon to skunk.

When you hit the bottom, it's hard to get up, to stand tall when you messed it all up. There's no point in wallowing in your misery, though. Dean's answer to everything: booze, girls and demons. Not very healthy to run away your problems. No matter how hard you run, the trouble always awaits you around the corner.

It was one of those nights when the whole world hit you in the face. Hard. Dean's nose was bleeding. He had had a bar fight. He staggered into the parking lot to his beloved car. He wiped his nose to his shirt sleeve.

When Dean noticed the demon it was too late. Something collided with his head and there he was. Lying unconscious on the ground.


	3. Chapter 3

**Trouble**

"Hello?"  
"Is this Sam Winchester?"  
"Um, yeah?"  
"This is Nurse MacArthur from General Hospital, Iowa. Are you the brother of Dean Winchester?"

Castiel opened the door. He had the worst case of bed hair Sam had ever witnessed. The brown hair was pointing at every possible direction. The blue eyes that had once shone so brightly were now so very dull and there were dark circles under them.

"You look like shit."  
"Thanks. You sound like_ him_. What do you want?"

_Ouch_, thought Sam. The head-tilting, childlike curiosity was gone, replaced by bluntness. "It's about Dean."  
"I don't want to know."  
"He's in hospital. In a coma."  
"Is it supernatural?"  
"They said he was in a bar fight. I haven't seen him yet. He's in Iowa."  
"Sam, I appreciate that you came but I can't come with you."  
"You can't or you don't want to?"  
"He doesn't want to see me."  
"I don't know what happened between you two but this got to stop. You're breaking my heart! He obviously is still in love with you. He's just too thick-headed to admit it to himself."

Sam glanced at Castiel while keeping his eyes on the road. The ex-angel was sleeping.

_He listened to the steady heartbeat of his lover. They were lying naked on a bed. Dean was asleep. He was warm. Castiel felt warm, not just physically. He was complete. This is where he belonged._

Castiel woke up. First he shivered. Dean wasn't there. The car wasn't Impala. Sam wasn't Dean.

"Cas? You're okay?"  
"I'm fine."

"Sam, could you stop at the next gas station. I need to empty my bladder."

Sam didn't know which was stranger. The manner the ex-angel spoke of his bodily functions or the fact the ex-angel really needed to urinate. Sam sighed. "Yeah, sure."

Sam knew that Castiel still cared for Dean. He had never talked about the nature of their relationship with neither Dean nor Castiel. It wasn't any of Sam's business. All Sam needed to know that Castiel had made Dean happy. Then Dean screwed it all up. It didn't last long with the girl Dean had after Castiel. Maybe a week or two. Dean got bored easily.


	4. Chapter 4

Into White

_Oh. God. Did I die? Again_! Dean thought. He was dreaming. He dreamed of standing on a pile of corpses. All the demons, monsters and others he had killed during his career.

He looked up and saw John. His father was smiling. John had never smiled like that as he had worried constantly about his sons.

_But hey! I'm not dead_! Dean tried to convince himself.

He heard a flutter of wings. _Cas?_

Dean didn't see his ex-lover. _That sounded weird. _Ex-lover, ex-beau, ex-boyfriend. Dean wasn't into labeling things, not really. He missed Castiel, that was for sure.

There was light at the end of the tunnel Dean realized. He started to run. He kept running hoping to reach the ex-angel.


	5. Chapter 5

**Can't keep it in**

Sam went to drink a cup of coffee in the cafe.

Castiel just stared at Dean for a while.

"Cas, stop looking me like that."  
"Like what?"  
"Like that. I'm sorry that Sam dragged you all the way here. I'm not dead, yet."

"Hello, Sam," a too-familiar voice said in a triumphant tone.  
Sam raised his gaze. "Crowley."

Crowley rattled something in his hands. It turned out to be the keys to Dean's beloved car.

"Give 'em to me," Sam ordered.  
"Tut-tut, Sammy boy, finders, keepers."  
"What do you want?"

Crowley smiled a wicked smirk. "I have a request."  
"Yeah?"  
"I would like to watch your brother and his boyfriend –"  
"Ew, that's just creepy."  
"You didn't even let me finish."  
"You're sick, you know that?"  
"Your brother has a nice body. Add an ex-angel that to that. Come on, Sammy. You never fantasised your brother?"  
"Jesus! No!"


End file.
